A Love Affair With The Destruction Of Beauty & Other Temptations

‘Perfectionism isn’t cheap. In fact, perfectionism is existentially unaffordable, as it exacts a high psychological price of anxiety, worry, and depression.’ (Maxmen & Ward. 1995)

To be perfect we must stamp out, delete, remove, and deny so many realities. Our flaws must be removed with filters less any soul find them out. And again, we destroy ourselves in the process. ‘Repression disarms one’s ability to protect oneself from stress’ – Gabor Maté (The Myth of Normal. P.100).

How can we come to cope with the truth when we deny it so readily? We are killing ourselves through a struggle to find happiness and comfort and love and empathy by doing the very thing that removes the possibility of it.

We need to feel, I need to feel. Social media teaches us to be better, but better by its own standards alone. Standard built on the suppression of ourselves, of our honest presentation and representation.

Close-up of a woman with acne, smudged makeup, piercings, and lipstick, making a provocative facial expression against a dark background.

Close-up of a young woman with wet hair, makeup smudged, and red lipstick, lying on her side on a dark surface with a gray background. She has multiple earrings and a necklace, and appears distressed.

Person with makeup, red lipstick, and a sequined top, leaning back with eyes closed, with soap or foam on face and hands, in a bathroom with brushes and cups on the windowsill.

A woman with dark hair, wearing a shiny, sequined dress, is sitting in a bathroom bathtub with water. There is a large potted plant next to her and a window with small cups holding brushes or makeup tools on the sill.

A woman with dark hair and makeup, sitting on the floor, wrapped in a transparent plastic sheet, with a towel hanging on a towel rack in the background.

Close-up of a person's face with red lipstick, piercings, and acne, wearing a beige shirt with a dark collar.

A young person with dark hair and multiple earrings, lying on a black surface, showing acne scars on their face, wearing a cream-colored shirt with brown trim.

Person in black clothing lying under a transparent plastic sheet with red and blue makeup or paint on their face, with reflections on the plastic.

A young woman with dark hair and multiple earrings is touching her lips in front of a mirror, with a dark background and blurred city lights visible outside the window.

Two young women with acne and piercings smiling closely. One wears braces and makeup, the other has no makeup.

A close-up of a young person with blue eyeshadow, multiple facial blemishes, and lipstick, touching their lips with their fingers.

Close-up of a person's face covered in clear plastic, with some redness around the lips and nose.

A young woman with dark hair, multiple earrings, and a nose piercing is holding a clear plastic sheet. She has visible acne on her face and makeup with blue eyeshadow. There are streaks of red paint or lipstick on her lips and chin. The background is

Two young women with makeup and pierced noses touching faces, with their tongues out, in a close-up shot.

Young woman laughing and holding a pink pitcher while sitting in a bathtub filled with water.

A woman with dark hair, wearing a sleeveless top with a beaded design, sitting in a bathtub, eating a large amount of cooked spaghetti with her face close to it.

A woman wearing a sequined dress and tights sitting on the edge of a bathtub, with spaghetti noodles on her legs.

A woman sitting in a bathtub, covered with uncooked spaghetti noodles, holding noodles near her face with her eyes closed.

A young woman with dark hair, visible acne, and bright red lipstick, wearing a black sequined top with yellow spaghetti noodles on her shoulders, and earrings.

A young woman with dark hair, red lipstick, and a sparkly top looking at her reflection in a mirror.

Two young women with wet hair and piercings sharing a kiss with lipstick smudged on their faces, in a close-up shot.

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A Love Affair With The Destruction Of Beauty & Other Temptations

As I further my exploration of photographic art, more and more the belief that my personal intentions with my work are ultimately meaningless against the interpretation of the person experiencing it. What my work means, it only means to me. However, I offer an insight into my inspiration for this series of photographs and the knowledge that the photographs contained within are self-portraits, only without the self.

‘Perfectionism isn’t cheap. In fact, perfectionism is existentially unaffordable, as it exacts a high psychological price of anxiety, worry, and depression.’ (Maxmen & Ward. 1995)

We, an animal, a human animal, have eternally been plagued with the desire to be aesthetically pleasing to one another. We lack the extravagant plumage of the peacock or the ornamental and deadly antler of the moose, so we adorn ourselves with trinkets, paint our faces, remove our hair, grow our hair, and wear clothes that hide our shame or promote our virtues. It’s as if we feel we must become acceptable, and consequently, finally, loved. What destruction we cause ourselves, our minds, our bodies, our lives, in pursuit of being good enough, or if we’re lucky, that elusive “perfect”.

‘If our environment cannot support our gut feelings and our emotions, then the child, in order to ‘belong’ and ‘fit in’ will automatically, unwittingly and unconsciously, suppress their emotions and their connections to themselves, for the sake of staying connected to the nurturing environment, without which the child cannot survive.’ - Gabor Maté (The Myth of Normal)

And we are all nurtured, nurtured by the small black window we carry wherever we go and which shows us what perfect looks like, sounds like, thinks like, what we should be like. How much of what we consume and believe in our subconscious is predicated on fear of ourselves, fear of what others would say if we acted to the contrary?

What would our identities be if we weren’t trying to fit in? ‘We wish to be ourselves, to be authentic in our uniqueness and specialness. If we become too much of an individual, if we are too much of ourselves however, we risk the existential protection afforded to us by society and culture.’ - Rejecting Perfection. Jennifer Miller. 2003

I am plagued by a relentless goal. A struggle that can never be overcome. A process to an end that can never be met. Perfection… Perfection, perfect perfection. And I fail, inevitably I fail.

‘Perfection is an undesirable and debilitating goal and that striving for non-existent perfection keeps people in turmoil and is associated with a number of psychological problems. Human qualities come from imperfection, from defects that define unique personalities and create real people.’ - American Psychological Association (Reflections of Perfection)

As Lao Tzu says ‘The more we try, the less we succeed’. And we try an awful lot. What if what we each define as ugly, undesirable, or inappropriate aren’t the opposite of beauty, desirable, appropriate? If reaching for perfection is doomed to destroy us, what if we destroyed perfection instead? Where would it lead us? Can the rejection of perfection, embracing the ugly, becoming the inappropriate somehow bring us some ever-lacking joy? Is it possible that perfection isn’t perfect? We are not horrified by the horror movie, we’re exhilarated by it, excited by it. Why then could we not find the same satisfaction in the destruction of beauty. As the narrator in Fight Club said, ‘I wanted to destroy something beautiful’. Perhaps he was on to something.

I do not know who said it, but I leave you with this.

‘The experience of reality as imperfect exists and is inevitable. That which can be described is not the truth. Only through emotion can truth be understood.’

Technical details

Film stock: Kodak Vision3 500T (rated EI 1000)

Development: C41 standard times.

Camera: Chinon CM-3

Lenses: 50mm Helios 44-M, 35mm Optimax Auto, 135mm Pentacon f2.8 135.

Post processing: Darktable